So yesterday was my 40th birthday. I've been reading "Goals" by Brian Tracy and one of his main conceits in the beginning of the book is to "change your thinking, change your life". As a natural skeptic, I have to say that my whole body rejects this notion, but Tracy really sells it. And if I think about the successes in my own life, they came when I was positive about the outcomes. Weight loss, writing for About.com, getting into a management training program all came during highly focused and relatively happy times in my life.
Right now, the difficulty is that I'm adrift. For several years now I've felt down on myself and my own abilities to change the world. Not sure why, but I think five years of trying to get out of a job that I didn't care for (following three years of another job that almost broke me) left me feeling out of control of my own life. It's tough to do something 8 hours a day when you don't give a damn and feel like nobody else there gives a damn.
And even yesterday was tough. I know it's sad, but I was hoping that there would be some special recognition of me turning 40 at work. Something silly at my cubicle, or some sort of joke or special recognition, but there wasn't. And so I felt sad about that. Then I went to the 4th Street Live Borders and saw all of the shelves laid bare by their going out of business sale, and the store seeming to contract in on itself as stuff was moved closer and closer to the entrance and I just felt incredibly sad. I'd just moved down close to the store and it was closing. I love browsing bookstores and now that opportunity would be gone.
Plus, I couldn't shake a general malaise about everything. This attempt to change seems like a "eat the elephant" moment and I don't even have a kitchen knife.
In the news: Charlie Sheen fired, oil hits a new high.
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